Demented Bunnies
by JakeCrown
Summary: Plots that I don't have the time to turn into their own fanfics. HP and other Fandoms. They are up for adoption. Just PM me so I can read any story based on my ideas. Pretty twisted stuff comes out of my mind, so beware...
1. Harry Potter And The Zombie Apocalypse

AN/ I always wanted to read of Voldemort setting off a Zombie apocalypse when I was reading HP as a kid. I always hoped it was just around the corner in the next book. Book #7 was a huge let-down for me.

One of my pride and joys is my Stormtrooper Armor. I always wondered why people haven't considered stormtrooper armor with a wet-suit underneath as anti-zombie? It would be pretty damn difficult to bite through a few layers of insulated plastic.

They are a lot cheaper than squid suits or chain mail. Lighter than leather armor(which is not bite-proof).

Or I might just be one of those crazies that has stormtrooper armor in my closet in case of zombie apocalypse... and fancy dress parties.

On with the madness.

Harry Potter and the Zombie Apocalypse

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2000-

The bathroom of 'Grace Brothers' Department Store' has never been more comfortable. The door transfigured into solid wall. An overweight woman with bright green hair had nearly brought the door down a few years ago. There was a hole in the wall on letting in 'fresh' air. I had lived here for quite a while now. Since Hogwarts.

A Wizard tent is a masterful idea. Big thanks from me to the creator of them. A five bedroom tent with self-contained plumbing and gas. A fully stocked kitchen of self duplicating food. A rather large library of mostly scavenged books. A very respectable armory.

I'm alone now. So lonely. It's all my fault.

I haven't seen another person since Hermione got on her broom and headed off somewhere far away from me. Her mirror doesn't respond anymore. Hasn't in months and months.

It was a lost cause.

She is just as dead as everyone else, most likely. It's my fault.

It is always my fault. I don't even feel guilty anymore. My tears are dry.

How lucky the other animals of the world are. They don't know they are going to die. Humans are the only ones given the curse of foreknowledge. You don't see little birds fluttering in the sky brooding about when they will eat their wand and put an end to it. I've already tried. I always come right back.

Wizards have it even worse. Their high resistance to microbial infections made them live even longer than the muggles. Two hundred was a common age to live to. Two fifty even for some. Damn well over five hundred in the case of the Flamels.

Am I sane anymore?

"_For ___never was___ a ___story___ of ___more woe___ than this of Juliet and her Romeo_." I snorted and snapped the book shut. I tossed the book into the air and flicked my wand. The book zoomed back to it's place on the shelf.

What a cauldron of feces.

I can give Shakespeare six billion more tales far more woeful than a teen suicide.

It is my fault that the world is the way it is. I should have killed him. None of this would have happened if I killed him. If only I had known what would happen. What Dudley would become. I should have done more. Maybe if I paid attention in divination class. Maybe if I was more heartless.

It was all my fault. And Umbridge's...

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1995-

I glared at Dudley as my wand-tip pressed underneath his third chin. The laughter of his friends as I held a stick at Big-D. The idiots had just beaten up a ten year old and decided to go see what 'Nutty Potter' was up to. Bringing up Cedric, whose death haunts me, was the start. Mocking my deceased mother was just the polish on the wand.

Dudley's face was white as he looked back into my angry eyes.

"Wheres my mother you ask." I whispered as I felt my wand start to heat up in my hand.

His friends continued laughing.

"How about I send you to meet my mother?" I continued. I was angry enough to. I wouldn't though. It just wasn't who I am. Killing muggles because I was a bullied kid.

I'm not Voldemort.

"Gonna give him some splinters with that stick?" Piers asked through his laughs.

The sky turned dark in seconds. Clouds built from nowhere blocked the sun. It is the middle of summer. Mid nineties Fahrenheit turned to mid thirties as a cold wind blew in. The sky rumbled. Lightning flashed in the suddenly dark summer day.

The laughter of Diddydum's friends trailed off as they shivered. Dudley's eyes were wide as he pissed himself. Luckily for him, his friends were already running home to escape the rain sure to come. The cold became even harsher.

If anything, The cold just made me angrier. I felt no desire to run from the rain or the cold.

"You.. You can't do mah.. muh.. that stuff outside of school." Dudley stuttered. I thought about my mother. What her last words were. I saw the green flash and the high pitched laugh in my mind's eye. That woman who died for me. Insulted by this scum?

"You think I care about the rules after what you said?" I hissed. Voldemort's laughter ringing in my ears.

I felt myself lifted off the ground by my neck. A shrouded black figure held me aloft in the air by my neck. It dropped me back to the ground and floated down to me. It's rancid hole made contact with my lips.

My father's voice telling my mother to run.

"Stand aside you silly girl!"

"Avada Kedavra!"

A green flash.

"Expecto Patronum!" I shouted. Prongs knocked the dementor off me and into the sky. I still felt the chill. I looked behind me at Dudley's whimpering form under the black rags of a second dementor. Prongs came back around to take care of this one as well. The soul sealing suckhole came off Dudley's face with a wet pop.

"No. No. Stop it." Dudley whimpered on the ground.

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Vernon had me help him drag his son to his car. He was unconscious. His lips were swollen. Red and purple, the lips looked infected. I'm not a healer or anything though. He had passed out after the letter from the ministry had spoken it's say on my future. Dumbledore's letter came seconds after.

Petunia followed in her summer dress that showed way too much skin I did not want to see. She was bitching the entire time. As we got Dudley into the car, Vernon jumped into the driver's seat in a hurry. Petunia joined him in the car and they started to pull away.

I started to head back into the house when I heard tires squeal. Uncle Vernon's car was accelerating as fast as a BMW could. Swerving wildly, it slammed into #13 with a crash. I started running towards the car accident.

What could make this day better?

I could make out Aunt Petunia's shrieking over the roar of the car's engine. The car was lodged in the living room of our neighbor's house. People started to exit their houses and come to stare at the commotion. "Phone the Bobbies, Jug-ears!" Mrs. Rumbold, of #9, yelled at her bald, big eared husband.

I got to the tinted windowed car and opened the door. The sight will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Vernon and Dudley glance up at me, mouths cored in blood. Chunks of my Aunt's shoulder were stuffed in the chewing mouth of my cousin. Her intestines were getting sucked down like noodles by my large uncle. Mrs. Brahms, of #12 saw over my shoulder. The highly attractive blond had a high pitched voice with a cockney accent.

It was put to use busting my ear-drums and shocking me out of my stupor. Vernon climbed out of the luxury car's open door as I backed away. My eyes were stinging as tears made their way down my cheeks.

My only family dead.

I jerked my wand out of my back pocket. I shakily pointed it at the fat man as he grabbed the hysterical Mrs. Brahms and bit down on her outstretched arm.

"Stupify!" I yelled as the red light hit my murderous Uncle in the chest.

He kept biting and clawing. Mr. Lucas, of #15, ran passed me and tackled Vernon's bulk off the shrieking and bleeding blond. More neighbors started to pile onto Vernon as Dudley exited the car.

My memory is a bit foggy after that point. I remember the look of Dudley's slack face the the rasping groan that came from his mouth.

I remember the smell of blood.

The feel of fear.

The sound of death's rattling moans.

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End Note: Dementors have the zombie virus on their lips...


	2. The Other Emperor of the Galaxy

_My name is Jambe Lu. This may come as a surprise to you, but, that is my true name. I have not used it in almost three hundred years. I write this memoir to clarify the reasons for my actions. The purpose for all the bloodshed, violence, torture, and, murders I have committed or had a hand in. I will make no excuses. I will not gloss over the gritty reality of the times of my life or the effects of the choices I've made. I feel that the truth must be known. _

_Here in the ending of my natural life, at the age of 321, I will for the first time tell the truth of my long and fantastic life. I feel the end nearing for me. I will pass on into the force as many others before me._

_I will for once tell the whole truth. I am the Emperor of the galaxy and lied to almost everyone for a long, long time. It is time for you, my subjects, to learn your Emperor's history._

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_A few galactic centuries or so ago..._

_My friend and college Nam Poorf was a human male like I. He was in the same Jedi creche as I. We were raised together from infant-hood. We learned the art of Lightsaber combat together under the masters of the Jedi Order. We learned to feel the Force and manipulate the world around us with it. How to heal the flesh. How to grow and control nature. _

_We failed the initiate trials to become Jedi Padawans together. I failed for aggressiveness and apathy. He failed for being a know-it-all and cowardice._

_We joined the Agriculture Service Corps of the Jedi Oder together. We learned the things that most Jedi Knights know through flash-training, as all Agricorps do. We were told to practice the programmed skills on our free time. Nam didn't practice very often. I practice every chance I get._

_The real difference between he and I now, is that I am angry about my life of service. He is grateful for his._

_We were brothers in every sense of the word. I made anyone that tried to stop us in our duties cry in unjedi-like agony and he talked us out of trouble almost every day. I resented his knowledge filled mind strongly and he loathed my existence. _

_True brothers._

_We were headed to Coruscant when it happened. Nam, the navigator. I, the pilot. I was piloting a vessel registered as a Class VI Bulk Freighter. We had unloaded and were returning for another trip. We had delivered 2,000 tons of denta beans, pickles, dry soap, bacta patches, and med-kits to the poor and down-trodden of the strip-mined world of Bonaban. _

_Such is the life of a Jedi drop-out. _

_Coruscant is where we were to pick up another load before heading out again. That would have been too nice a job for the universe to throw at me. Life has never been that simple though._

_First I felt pain. As if a million blaster bolts slammed into my skull in a single instant. I fell to my knees. The ghosts of thousands of Jedi cried out at once. It felt as if the universe had ended. I felt The Masters who had raised me from infant-hood die in misery. I felt the younglings in the temple get slaughtered like animals. _

_Rage took hold of me. I closed my eyes and screamed in pain and anger. I had never felt so angry and helpless. All those force sensitives crying out in death was a terrible and mind-changing experience to a force sensitive mind. _

_The force was strong in me. It manifested my mind's excitation with the power of what is known as 'Sith Lightning'. I blasted the small cock-pit containing Nam and I with a ten minute torrent of pain and anger solidified into pure power. Before this event, I was never very good at dealing with loss. I felt it keenly at the time. _

_I awoke from my tantrum to the smell of smoke and sparking circuitry. The navigation panel in front of me was warped and smoldering. I smelled the awful scent I associate with a Jedi funeral ritual. I stared at the distant stars of the sky rather than what I knew sat in the co-pilot seat next to me. My eyes were dry of tears. I numbly noted that we had dropped from hyperspace far short of our three week destination. _

_Maybe this is all a dream? Maybe I did not feel everyone I know die? Maybe I did not cook my only friend with the powers of the dark side?_

_A glance to the side dashed the notion. Nam's smoldering body and expression of agony told a story in of itself. I had lost control and burned the life out of him in a very painful manner. Most Jedi would be crying in guilt and misery at this point. I was not a regular Jedi though. _

_I was an Agricorps dropout. _

_I remember when I was very young the Healer had told me something I had not paid much mind to about human anatomy. When in fetal development the mother's body will sometimes release certain hormones that have an effect on the hormone response of the developing child. These hormone will dull or heighten the response to the infant's brain to certain hormones it is subjected to. I was told I was slow to respond to certain emotion producing hormones. _

_I and one in fifty humans were given this ability. Sociopath some called it. Borderline anti-social personality disorder to others. Warrior genes to some. It pretty much boiled down to the same thing though. I can make decisions without an emotional influence. Jedi are supposed to suppress guilt. I could just flat-out decide not to have any. It would come innumerable times. _

_It came in handy at this moment. _

_I rose from the pilot seat and walked out of the cock-pit, sealing the door behind me. I walked the hundred meters or so to my quarters. A stiff drink got poured into a glass and I sat my ass down in a comfortable reclining massage chair I saved for times like these. I then did what any hiding-from-depression person would do. Calling the remote control to my hand with a simple application of the force._

_I turned on the Holo-news. _

_A blue Chancellor Palpatine started floating in front of me. He looked wrinkled and scarred beyond belief. I forgot a few of my troubles for an instant and concentrated on hearing what the crazy-ass politician had gotten himself into this week._

_These Jedi murderers left me scarred, left me deformed, but they could not scar my integrity! They could not deform my resolve! The remaining traitors will be hunted down, rooted out wherever they may hide, and brought to justice, dead or alive! All collaborators will suffer the same fate. Those who protect the enemy are the enemy! Now is the time! Now we will strike back! Now we will destroy the destroyers! Death to the enemies of the democracy!_

_This has been the most trying of times, but we have passed the test. The war is over!_

_The Separatists have been utterly defeated, and the Republic will stand. United! United and free!_

_The Jedi Rebellion was our final test—it was the last gasp of the forces of darkness! Now we have left that darkness behind us forever, and a new day has begun! It is morning in the Republic!_

_Never again will we be divided! Never again will sector turn against sector, planet turn against planet, sibling turn against sibling. We are one nation, indivisible!_

_To ensure that we will always stand together, that we will always speak with a single voice and act with a single hand, the Republic must change. We must evolve. We must grow. We have become an empire in fact; let us become an Empire in name as well! We are the first Galactic Empire!_

_We are an Empire that will continue to be ruled by this august body! We are an Empire that will never return to the political manoeuvring and corruption that have wounded us so deeply; we are an Empire that will be directed by a single sovereign, chosen for life!_

_We are an Empire ruled by the majority! An Empire ruled by a new Constitution! An Empire of laws, not of politicians! An Empire devoted to the preservation of a just society. Of a safe and secure society! We are an Empire that will stand ten thousand years!_

_We will celebrate the anniversary of this day as Empire Day. For the sake of our children. For our children's children! For the next ten thousand years! Safety! Security! Justice and peace!_

_Say it with me! Safety, Security, Justice, and Peace! Safety, Security, Justice, and Peace!_

_The holo-unit burst into sparks as my mind crushed it into a little plasteel ball. The bottle of ale next to me got drained in a few seconds after that. I glared at the bulkhead in-front of me and thought about my options as a traitor to the new Empire. I swore then and there to see Palpatine destroyed. Not killed, as that would be to good for him. I want him to feel the death of everyone he cared about and be helpless to stop it. I want him to feel fear and pain to the end of time. I want him to live forever as my metaphorical and literal toilet. _

_I wanted to breathe smoke._

_All those innocent younglings who died in agony..._

_I avenged them in a way no Jedi ever would._


	3. Redeo Creditum Est Canis Femina

**Redeo Creditum Est Canis Femina Or How I Conquered The Wizards**

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I really need to hire someone else to deal with this shit. I used to like Saturdays. The seventh floor north corridor was almost always empty. Right now, it was as full as it had ever been. A 'notice me not' charm on the top of the sixth floor stairs kept the 'curious' away while I conducted business.

"C'mon, Mate I'm desperate here." Ronald Weasly begged. More than a little whining had spewed from his lips in the last couple months.

My eyes rolled. "You pull the same money-grubbing shit every week Weasel." I gestured to the line of blushing and/or cocky 4th-7th year students of various houses standing in line behind him.

"You're holding up the line. Go to the back and have Potter's money ready next time." I said as I turned to the next boy in line. "Two Galleons for return customers, one galleon and unbreakable vow for first timers." I told the Jewish Goldstein kid, holding out my hand.

"This... Ugh... This is my first ugh..." The boy started before I cut him off. "Room three. Dolly will take the vow and provide the service. The girls wear masks, so don't ask for names."

I tapped on the door behind me three times. The 'Come and Go' room's door opened. Goldstein walked in and the door shut behind him.

"Well if it isn't my favorite customers." I muttered as the twins made their way up to me. "Three galleons for double-teaming" I said holding my hand out once more.

"Well you see, Forge" Lefty started

"And I are." I interrupted Righty before they could continue. My wand made a steady rap against the side of my leg as it does in boredom.

"Gold up-front or back of the line." I said quickly. I am in no mood to put up with the two attention grabbers. "Room six, Big Bessy like regular." I intoned in a bored tone as Lefty forked over more of Potter's Triwizard winnings.

"You're a mercenary." They said together, passing through the door. "And you like spanking twenty five stone bitches now hurry up. If you are not out of here in thirty minutes and I toss you both out the window." They hustled along quicker.

The older Creevy brother came running down the corridor. "Umbridge coming. Two minutes tops." He panted in exhaustion. I opened the room's door.

"Everyone in." I shouted. I waited until the last boy entered the room and entered myself. The boys were all panicking and some looked like they were about to cry.

"I will not go to Azkaban for this!" Smith yelled as he curled his fists into my robes, hysterical. My wand touched his temple and let out a **Bang**.

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"The goblin rebellion of 906 was repulsed most strongly by the Saxon Druid Rams..." I tuned out the droning and tapped my glasses again with my wand.

Newt level History of Magic was a joke. The Slytherin and Hufflepuff girls of the class on the other-hand... well worth the price of the see-all runes on the glasses. Mad-eye had the runes carved into his glass eye for nearly a year's pay, or so I heard.

I got the runes on my fake glasses for around a weekend's pay.

My transfiguration skills are getting pretty good these days. I can even get the faces of the girls correct now, instead of just the bodies. I glanced around the room at the girls in the class. The recording charm is worth more than gold...

You would be surprised how much the house-elves like working. They don't even mind cleaning up after every wizard they 'Gives services to'.


End file.
